Maybe Gone
In the last few weeks I have been invited to Mexico three times. Two of the trips would be more or less free and the one that would cost money would only cost about a week’s pay. But I can’t go.
I use work as an excuse, but it’s a lie. I could go in a minute. My job is such that I can take time off at will and still be employed when I return.
The problem is not Mexico. I love Mexico, and always have. A week or two in Baja is hardly difficult to see myself enjoying.
The problem is me. I can tell by the bad decisions I’m making. I can tell by the temper I have to control. I can tell by the risks I’m taking for no good reason. I can tell by the way I sit in my room barely attempting to play guitar, mostly just laying there wishing the hours would move a little faster just today. I can tell by the eight mile run late at night.
If I went to Mexico right now, I would never come back. While I control most of my urges, there is one that runs the show.
This is why I don’t pack more than a few days food when I go camping. This is why I am afraid to put a full tank of gas in the Scout. I know I will disappear. I live my life just one moment of weakness away from leaving everybody forever.
I have a good job, I have a good living situation, and I have a good set of friends and family around. But no one can beat it out of me. No one can love it out of me. If they needed volunteers to colonize a planet tomorrow (I’ve been rereading some Orson Scott Card), I would jump on that ship.
It’s bad this time. I am not reliable just now.
I wish I could make it easier to know me, but I can’t.
May 10, 2009 at 9:22 pm
itch. having kids quelled mine… they needed stability. i owed it to them. now? got a million reasons why i can’t go… that’s what i tell myself. but the itch itches. i always wondred if there was a compromise. to plan a walkabout. but that’s not the same… good luck with it.
May 10, 2009 at 10:22 pm
I like that you can show restraint, especially that it seems to be a continual battle. Maybe deep down you know that running away is not the answer.
May 11, 2009 at 1:45 am
Funny. I’ve always had the knack of being totally at peace wherever I am. I guess you just get your lot handed to you – I never tried to be like this. But I do understand the jumping-on-the-ship thing.
May 11, 2009 at 4:42 am
I feel the same way at times. Just leave and be done with it.
May 11, 2009 at 8:15 am
Increasing your obligtions is the simple solution to your “problem”: get somebody knocked-up, get married, trade the Scout in for a mini-van, and get yourself a huge mortgage. You will have to stay put then.
May 11, 2009 at 8:44 am
Daisyfae: Interesting that you and Paradox girl sort of managed to say the same thing, but in wildly different ways. It makes the prospect of kids terrifying.
Cléa: It isn’t continual, only since infancy or so. No shit. I figured out how to drive the family station when I was three because I decided to run very far away. I made it into the neighbor’s yard.
Anaglyph: You know, when I was married to a manic bipolar person, I could never understand why she wouldn’t just take her meds and be a little happier. I think it’s because even though she was very unhappy with herself, she was still her. So, while I am probably unhappier being a shackled down wanderer, I would wtill rather be a wanderer. Because it’s me. Make any sense?
EM: Let’s run to Mexico.
Paradoxgirl: Ah yes, my brother’s model. I think he’s about as happy as me with all that.