Lignonberry

What the hell is this shit?  It’s about the least appetizing fruit based filling I have ever stuffed in anything.  Is it Swedish? It looks Swedish.  You really cannot trust the cooking of the surly Swedes.  They have complicated rules and mores against flavor and overall pleasant experiences.  I could see them being responsible for these berries.  Are they even berries?  They taste like mediocre over ripe plums.

Who is worse than the Swedes that have that peculiar “ign” thing in their language?  They might be responsible.  The Finns?  Probably.  I have a hard time trusting anyone from a penis shaped country. Or are they the scrotum?  It could be either.  But they are urinating on/teabagging continental Europe, and I think that’s sort of awesome.  I’m pretty sure no one up there makes anything better than borscht.  I don’t want to blame the Norwegians.  They make Kipper Snacks.

Lately I have had some mad cravings for canned fish.  Not tuna, or even the new Chicken-of-the-Sea pink salmon in a can that I am very excited about, but real tins of fish.  Sardines, kippers, octupi, oysters, etc.  I’ve been really digging the mustard sauce they use.  My favorite tinned fish by far are the King Oscar Kippers in mustard.  They have a slight smoke, not a heavy carbonara flavor, and the mustard is a real white wine mustard that would go well on any sandwich.

I realize this is all old man food.  I have also been drinking Coors Banquet (old man beer), or as it is known colloquially “Yellow Coors.” The two main beers you will run into from the Coors breweries would be Coors Light, or as it is known colloquially, “deer piss,” and the aforementioned Yellow Coors (it comes in a yellow can).  While Coors Light is the typical tasteless American light, full of rice or some other tasteless shit, Yellow Coors is made only from cereal grains and locally malted barleys.  What this means is that you get a very distinctive malt, but it is well balanced with the crisper and somewhat more evenly drinkable corn and wheat alcohols.  The hops in Yellow Coors, as in most beer meant to be drank at very cold temperature, is understated and has an almost exclusively floral texture.

It goes well with breakfast, should you be in that sort of mood.  I haven’t been in a while.

My mom makes an apricot jam.  There’s an old tree in their yard that is the only remaining veteran of the orchard that used to stand on their property.  It was planted in the ’20s by a good friend and a missed friend named Arnold.  He drug out the sage brush and leveled the 400 acres with a team of horses.  Wet land farming is back breaking and terribly taxing work.  He got old, but was generally healthy.  Arnold was fine until they knocked down his orchard.  Then they moved him into a home because he never wanted to go outside anymore.  There, he just sort of quit living.  Until he died, he had a fresh pint of my mom’s jam on hand.  The rest home made terrible food, but he could eat one of their flat and hard biscuits if he had the jam.

Had he been given lignonberry paraphanelia, he would have laid down and died years before.  And to blame would be the Swedes.  A surly and benighted race of vitamin D defficient, abnormally blond individuals. I have never seen one, but I think they are terrifying.  I saw a Finn once.  She was smoking kippered fish hot.  Black hair and blue eyes.  Some sort of weird nordic lankiness.  The weird talk got to me, though.  It’s always hard when you hear a new accent.  Are they terrorists? Chimney sweeps? It’s hard to tell.

I remember the first time I heard a New Zealand accent.  At first I thought they were just respectable Australians.  Then I found out they were from some weird island where people dance the Haka and orcs live.  Obviously, they are not be trusted, but are probably not terrorists.

Unless they produced this lignonberry crap.  Whoever cultivated this shit and decided it was jam worthy probably is evil.  These are the sorts of people who want to take over the world out of sheer hatefulness.