Craigslist Friday

Another of the Craigslist Friday things.

Man Seeking a Woman(en) for Cult Following

Look fast, I have a feeling this one may get flagged.

For Momentary Academic

And when the rain falls tonight, dragnets behind the purse-seiners of the charcoal blue clouds, lay in need. And when the spring around you falls away from the hope of green sprigs and turns to the tumult of storming heaven, lay in desperation of your folly. And when the storm breaks open upon a hopeful land, demolishing some and raising others in the cycle of living and dying green, lay in want.

Because I do not.

I only lay in the rain.

The Only Political Blog You Need

I am trying as much as I can to stay away from politics on this here blog. Mostly because Hillary is a two bit scheister tramp and Obama is a terrorist. And Republicans are all secretly gay.

If I had to vote right now, though, I would vote for the old, unpopular white guy. Sure, he’s white, but the guy doesn’t wear golf shirts and call me bro. Sure, he’s old, but he’s probably in better shape than any of the other candidates. Yes, he is not a woman, but I’m not sure tits help write policy any more effectively. Sure, he’s Republican, but he’s one of those immigrant states Republicans. Also, he is a badass. I don’t even know enough about the issues to explain why this is important to me in some high educated manner. I think John McCain could kick my ass, and for whatever reason, I like the idea of the guy with my reserve call up information being a little bit of a motherfucker.

And honestly, everybody hates him. Fox News and talk radio despise the man. They don’t like Obama, don’t get me wrong, but they are livid with seething bile at McCain. All the racists/immigration reformers hate him because he had an actual plan to integrate his state’s new people instead of just spitting on himself and raging about them “Mexican’ts that are takin are social security!” That doesn’t mean I’m a lock for him in November, and honestly, I probably won’t vote. I’m pretty sure voting just encourages political types.

But at least one news organization gets what I get about McCain.
McCain Declines Secret Service, Dares Assassins To Try Something

A Note to and About Female Humans:

Note: This is verbatim from a notebook, though my bullet list was not as organized. This was a journal exercise from an old comp class, but I don’t know what the exercise was. The female prof was not amused.

Alright, so I have an ego. I have a huge ego at times.

Things I am the best at:

1. Making soup
2. Growing Basil
3. Being an attractive and effective hardware salesman
4. Making Home Depot based double entendre
5. Drinking whiskey
6. Talking to anyone about anything

Things I merely excel at:

1. Accidental success
2. Killing food
3. Growing food
4. Building things
5. Fixing things
6. Creating new and useful products out of common raw materials
7. Creating new and useless art out of common raw materials
8. Lifting things
9. Preparing meals

I think you would agree that in some cases, and I mean most for me, having an ego is just being honest. There really are not too many people who can compare with me when it comes to what I really care about. This does not mean I am better than anyone, simply more learned, wise, and better looking.

So lately, I have been failing in one area. I have no ability to focus on anything fully as long as a woman is around. Ask any guy, semi-regular ass is the worst thing to happen to someone who is trying to make a go of the gym. Or get a head at work. Or anything. Men lose their drive for the rest of their living purposes when they have the chance to pretend impregnate someone.

• Guitar. Fuck no.
• Simple house-keeping tasks. Nope.
• Morning runs. Hell no.
• Meticulous book-keeping. Also out.

Every goal a man might have theoretically set for himself in the last few months that you have known him is a tenuous and drifting tendril of benign adhesion to the future if you’re thinking of getting naked. I believe this is why women always talk about how they date losers or how their last man “never finished what he started or did what he said he was going to do.”

No shit. Accomplishment is for those not getting semi-regular ass. That’s why that motivated, driven individual you want so badly will turn in a few months into the same lethargic sack of hornball that you just left.

Oddly enough, I think I’m better than most men at still setting and meeting goals in the throes of interpersonal corporeal affection. This is another thing I may be the best at. The reason is that I just don’t tell you people any of my real goals. I know what would happen, then. It isn’t lying when I do talk about goals, it’s just that I run out the bullshit ones I don’t really care about. That way when they fail, I’ve still got a few months of carnal memories to use at will and I’ve probably accomplished some tasks you wouldn’t in a million years think I cared about. Who gives a shit if I never made it to the gym or built a dresser?

I am a little worried that this equates to dishonesty. I excel at feeling guilty. I am probably the best at it I know.

But, if you were able to live in the mind of any man instead of simply living outside of him and feeding and being fed by human proximity, you would probably find secret goals. Ones you would find alternately ridiculous and astounding.

I believe this is why women find men so simple and infuriating. We do not realize the dishonesty. And it is easier for you to think of us as children and pets. Or for you to use us as the little fantasy flings you need to get out of your system. Trust the younger/country boy/college student/poet, here. We know as well as you do when you’re just sowing wild oats.

So, to wrap up:

I may possibly start a new policy of truth (I hate Depeche Mode!). Meaning I may try to represent myself and ideas as openly as possible. I may even admit to how incredibly rational I handle you. And how I don’t believe fate brought us together. And how I think your faith in anything but you is stupid. And how I think you read too many of your opinions out of books.

I think this may be the worst idea I have ever had.

Craigslist Friday

I have this pretty badass idea I been mulling.  Most of my real genius has trouble going from paper to keyboard (intentional pretense), and i absolutely hate that all of you good people and the citizenry of Earth is being let down.  This shit is golden, people.  But the notebooks?  Platinum.  Possibly Hafnium.  Or something else pretty and hard to find.

Anyway.  I have no digital camera, since my last one bought it on a mountain biking trip.  If anyone has a decent one for cheap, let me know.  Or just donate it to the furthering of beauty and true human potential in the world.  Or send beer.

So, here I am, having a noon-cap ad mulling some other big thoughts around.  It has to do with a system I sort of half-invented called Showstoppers.  As in, “Damn, a smoker? That is a no shit showstopper.”

Anyway, you did not come here for me to babble about that sort of thing, though when I do put out the thing on paleo-currents, I think you will be impressed.  No, you came here for this week’s goofy and somewhat creepy ad.

http://westslope.craigslist.org/roo/665116082.html

25 Things

1. I don’t fucking care.

2.  I mean at all.

3. About anything.

4. Not today.

5. This does not mean I am depressed, because caring is creepy.

6. It means my givafuc meter is pegged.

7. I would probably not answer the phone if you (anybody) called.

8. Not to be mean.

9. See Number 1.

10. I will care tomorrow.

11. Shit, I’ll care this afternoon.

12. But I’ll also be mapping some contacts, so not too much.

13. I bet the shitty girl pop I never would have heard in my life will play over the overhead at the Depot during my shift.

14. I might care then.

15. If I’m not busy.

16. It isn’t about you, or anybody or anything in particular that I don’t care.

17. I mean about anything.

18. Cause I straight don’t give a fuck.

19. Is that N.W.A.?

20. I need to rebuild the hubs on the Scout.

21. I do care about that.

22. Not getting hose hubs in when I need them is bad news.

23. But I still like manual hubs over vacuums and solenoids.

24. You have no idea what I’m talking about.

25. I would say that’s about the story of my life.

26. See Number 1.