Meeting
Slick Haired Manager: Ok, so this is a team, guys. Let’s always remember that at the beginning and end of the day, we’re not department 26 or department 23, we are the Depot. We are a team. Last time I looked, we’re all wearing orange, here. So what does this mean, being on a team?
Garden dweeb: It means we all have to try for the whole store, not just ourselves! Blah blah blah I’m a fucking pussy!*
Some chick who’s job I can not ascertain: heck yeah, that’s our job. Even when it’s for big meanies like Casey in hardware!!! LOLOMG!! Teehee!
SHM: That’s right! now, we all have things we can just do better than anyone. Some of us are great at at places where, I got to be honest, I can’t hold a candle, like Maury over there in electrical, woot!
Chorus: Woot! We’re all gay!
SHM: Ok, so, Mr. Frownie face Casey, what is your main talent?
Casey: (in whiskey voice) Hardware?
SHM: No, I mean what are you best at? There has to be something! What do you do better than anyone else?
Casey: Alcoholics and single mothers.
Scene
*Some dialog is altered slightly
What is the buttfucking stupidest meeting you have ever attended?
May 18, 2008 at 12:30 am
There were several of the same calibre. Airhead director always arrives late. Takes 10 minutes to catch up. Asks stupid questions. Makes incorrect decisions. Is told this is wrong because… Changes her mind. Asks what we think we should do. It becomes too hard. Makes excuses and leaves. Rinse, repeat 6x then wonder why decisions aren’t being made and things aren’t getting done.
And I want to hear that whiskey voice.
May 18, 2008 at 12:21 pm
My new career goal is to become the slick haired manager in charge of your team. Why do I feel like he and I can probably fix the same amount of hardware/mechanical/electrical problems?
May 18, 2008 at 7:38 pm
You have a way with the single mommies? I can see that. They come in with tool questions, and next thing you know you’re helping them with dry wall. Soon she’s bringing you lemonade all butt ass nekkid. Then you’re going at it like a couple of red butted baboons. Wow, I need to get laid, or maybe I need to put in an application at home depot.
May 18, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Wow. This shit has gone way down hill since I went on vacation.
Using gay as a pejorative is so 92, Casey.
And single moms? That was so three months ago.
May 18, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Cléa: It’s shit like that that makes me think the apocalypse would be alright. Those people would all die first.
Now, the whiskey voice, it is reserved for only the most stalwart of listener. After a night of cocky joking and inappropriate boozing, I have been known to impregnate a woman merely with my baritone. With twins.
3. That is exactly how it goes. At least a time or two. But hey, you want to get laid, hang out in bars and be the loudest dickhead possible. You’ll average about a lay a weekend, but don’t expect anyone you want to talk to the next day. And I’ll be your reference when you decide you’re man enough to wear an apron.
4. I don’t know how to respond but by saying using “so” in such a manner is so Gilmore Girls ‘03.
GSR:
May 19, 2008 at 12:46 am
I think we need a little audio to prove that impregnation comment.
May 19, 2008 at 12:57 am
That C comment above was me. I don’t know what happened to the rest of the name!
May 20, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Oh, I think I have enough kids I’m not aware of in your hemisphere. You’ll just have to go without. Besides, I don’t want to get you all worked up with me not able to get over there and fix the problems I start.