Adventures in Craigslist

Problem:

I was bored and feeling inconsolable, and wanted to pick myself up.  My mailbox was empty, both the real and tactile mailbox on my door and the cute little blue screen Gmail made for me.  My shoulder feels like I have termites and I might have a cracked rib or two, so the gym was out.  I had no new comments to play off of on my blog.  Life was sort of sad and listless.  I was gear adrift. 

Solution:

Any productive activity, no matter how slight, generally gives me a boost.  My room mate and I had discussed earlier the presence of mice in the garage and their eventual raiding of the house proper.  the solution that seemed easiest would be to get a cat.  The problem with cats is that they are not fun.  In fact they are worthless pets who do absolutely nothing but eat food for 12 years and die.  I am not a fan of felines.  That is a lie, the genus Felis is alright, it’s the whiny, fat, freeloading specus that hangs out among whiny, fat, freeloading humanity that I detest.  Now, the stringy and flighty barn variety of cat is just fine with me.  I approve of aloof predators.  My dating history is beginning to make more sense now, yes? 

Anyway, I wanted a mouser.  An angry aloof mouser.  One of the cats that would rather bite than cuddle.  So I placed this ad: http://westslope.craigslist.org/pet/621734387.html

I felt a little better.  I felt even better when the (3) emails started pouring in.  While no one had a spare ocelot, many had nice things to say to me.  Two of them thanked me for a laugh they needed that day.  I felt good about that.  I helped out humanity.  This is good news.

Problem:

I was sitting her thinking about dating and why I am terrible at it.  So I says to Mabel, I says, “Mabel? This datin thing.  Ahm TURRIBLE atit.”¹  

She gave me the look that huskies have adopted for particularly stupid owners.  Huskies are really not great pets.  They’re smarter than German Shepherds and have a self sufficient streak.  That means they really don’t understand why you keep babbling at them all the time.  Instead of a big floppy doggy head on your lap, you get an arched eyebrow and sometimes a bared tooth.  They also do not sit or lay down because you decided it was a good idea.  A decidedly unsympathetic animal.

After enough thinking, I really decided I’m terrible at dating because I just don’t care enough all the time.  don’t get me wrong, I am a damn good boyfriend, but I just can’t pretend to want to see most people on a regular basis.  The longest relationship I have ever pulled off² involved a 250 mile drive or an eight hour train ride for any sort of visiting.  It was kind of nice in that I had ample time for homework and drunken shenanigans.  Eventually, like all relationships, it got hard and the bets were pulled, but still.  That was the easiest relationship I have ever been in. (Warning: possible slight bitterness on subject) 

I determined that I should not be worry about one of these “relationships” as of yet.  But, being human, I like having a person share time and small goals and the occasional bottle of wine with me.

Solution:

So, I decided to repeat the above experiment and make another fake ad.  Just like I was not particularly interested in owning a cat, I am really not interested in dating.  However, if I had someone say they had a brighter Monday, I would be plenty happy.  Also, my inbox would not be empty.  So, I posted this tongue in cheek ad (everyone that knows me will notice the age is wrong): http://denver.craigslist.org/m4w/625111651.html

I had some very heartfelt and empathetic responses from women.  I wasn’t planning on believing in humanity in general and females in particular as a side benefit of placing the ad, but it was hard to avoid. 

This was one of my favorites (edited slightly for content and to fit in time allowed):

“Wow,

This ad really blew my mind.
Mainly because it sounded exactly like what I would have written, if I were to bothered to post an ad.
Relationships in general are a pain in the ass, but sometimes, very occasionally you wish to have someone.
But for that rare moment, do I want to invest/share my energy and time to get to know someone?
The answer is apparent.
 
Luckily, it is monday morning, a lot of procrastination to do. Hence the response.
I probably wouldn’t reply to your response promptly either as you can imagine why.
 
Good luck with your search and be safe!
 
Female version of you.”

Tough to be bitter at honestly human people, really.

1. Here I get to make fun of mah turrible accent and play off the name of Mabel with an easily recognized joke. I feel like I should win some sort of prize or something.

2. This not entirely true, but is not exactly a lie. Complicated.